What to feel?

A lot's gone on over the past couple of months.. i've been trying to put a bandaid on it all by trying my hardest to stay positive, but TBH, it almost feels like I'm a fraud.. it feels like i'm trying my hardest to be so positive about the whole journey, but deep down i'm an absolute MESS. I don't lie, I try to be positive, but if I actually stop and think, and really delve in to my deeper mind, it's a different story. I'm falling apart... and quickly...

I feel like so much of my life is consumed with TTC (and as much as I try to 'take a break' - my mind won't let me - I sitll know every single day of every single cycle where I am, and I CAN'T relax).

As much as I want and pray for those 2 little lines on the test, I'm absolutely petrified. Even if I do get them, how am I ever going to enjoy my pregnancy in this frame of mind? I'm going to be so so scared every single day, always running to the toilet, freaking out.. I want to be in the right frame of mind to ENJOY, not be freaking out! and I just don't know how to get there..

I'm an absolute mess. I haven't considered counselling for this before,but I'm really going that way I think.

I hate myself for the way I treat my husband. This whole journey has just taken so much of my spirit away, and I don't know who I am anymore.. I don't know if I love my self anymore, therefore how can I expect him to love me? He's changed through all of this, as I've changed.

I need help.

We're moving!

On a brighter note, we're moving this weeekend - YAYAY!!!!

I can't wait! We didn't end up getting the first house we went for, but that was no doubt a 'sign', since we then found this one, applied for it and got approved just then - I'm so excited!

It's a 5 bed (so much for downsizing, huh?) 3 bath house, + rumpus, but it's more like a house & a unit attached to each other. Since there's different front doors, separate kitchen, bathroom, laundry, the works!

So we're moving in to the house, which has 3 bed 2 bath, and my sister & her partner (that are currently staying with us till they found somewhere) are moving in to the unit next door which is 2 bed 1 bath.

It's a little bit older than what I'm used to, but it has a brand new bathroom, plus a rumpus downstairs, and it'll be next door to my sister. We've always been close, other than a stint last year where we really separated a little, but the past week it's like nothings changed.

250mtrs to the beach, literally around the corner from Anika's new school (she can start riding her bike in a year or so), closer to C's work, everything at the door step!

Full steam ahead!!

P.S. I haven't forgotten about the update on the acupuncture, I promise! I'll be back soon to update on that side of things.

My best friends leaving! :(

My best friend came around this morning, woke me up at 6:15 to tell me the offer she’d put in at her dads pub has been accepted. Long story short, she lives up here on the sunshine coast – just her and her son. We’re super doper close, do everything together, she’s the one I go to with any problems, she helped me most through my m/c, was MOH at my recent wedding, very close.

For the past 12 months she just hasn’t been happy here. Her dad owns a pub in a small NSW town, and last week she bit the bullet and put an offer in to buy a 3rd of it last week. This means she’d sell her salon, her house, pack up, and move south to run a pub/hotel.

I know I should be absolutely over the moon for her, and I AM, but I’m just not happy. I know this isn’t all about me, and I get that… she’s got to be happy in herself, and at the moment she’s not. But I’m crushed. I’ve spent the whole morning crying, and she just sent me another text msg saying she’s just spoken to her dad & it’s all final – she moves down ASAP. Within the next month. :( I haven’t replied. I can’t. I’ve told her I’m happy for HER, but I don’t know what else to say without making her feel bad (cos I know she will!). I don’t want her to.

I’m losing my best friend! :( Not only that, but I’m loosing the [i]ONLY[/i] real friend I’ve ever had. I don’t have any other friends on the coast, and in general all together. I’ve always been the one to have no friends, and when I met L we just clicked! Now I won’t have that anymore…

I know I can visit, but it’s not the same. She’ll be a 12 hour drive away. At the moment she’s just around the corner – literally.

Crushed. :(

Trying something new

Another cycle bites the dust, and here I am.. yet again.

It hurts. So bad. But I must go on.

I have made an appointment to try acupunture, seeing as it seems so effective for lots of people. obviously different things work for different people, but I figure it can't hurt to try!

Not really sure what else to write here... it's been so long since I've updated, a good couple of weeks (a long time in cyber world - haha) so I'm sure there's loads to say... but for now, it's failing me.

On other news, we've got Lene & Mikey staying with us now! Yep. They moved up a couple of weeks ago, and are staying with us until they get on their feet, find jobs, etc.

We're also moving in a few weeks as well, so that's quiet exciting! I can't wait to move in to a new home. So much has gone on in that home, good and bad, I just think it will be so relieving to have a fresh start! Something new.. hopefully revitalise the spirits a bit!

I'm not sure if I mentioned it last post or not, but I'm hoping to start doing Vlog's at some stage. We have a camcorder, thus an old one, but I've got to figure out and whether or not I can record, then upload to the computer. If not, I might just be stuck with Blogging until we can afford to buy a new camcorder.

Well, I have my acupunture appt this week, so will udpate after that. Hopefully, FINGERS CROSSED, we have some exciting news to share not soon after!!

:) :) :)

Update on married life

Wow. It's been a while since I've blogged, so will try to catch you all up on everything that's been going on, TTC & life wise.

Well, WE'RE MARRIED!!! :)

It was officially, the best day of my life. We all had such a great time, and being married to my HUSBAND is the best thing in the world. I know so many people say being married doesn't change a thing, well I think it does. I feel like our love has grown, and sometimes I'll catch myself just looking at him.. in a daze.. and thinking how utterly lucky I am! :) Yep, I'm chuffed :)

A slideshow of our photos can be viewed here:


We had the most devine honeymoon as well. We spent 5 blissful nights just my husband & I at the Marriott Surfers Paradise, before picking up our daughter and driving to Sydney for a family holiday. It was GREAT fun! As soon as we get all the photos off the camera I will put some up for viewing on here, and on my Vlog.

My Vlog (as soon as I start recording them) can be viewed at http://www.youtube.com/lladyr

On top of everything that's gone on the past couple of months we also have Miss A's birthday party coming up on Sunday! That should be exciting for her!! She's absolutely rapped about it. the last birthday party she had was when she turned 3, and now she's turning 8!! Our angel is growing up, and more beautiful every day. I went shopping for her this morning for some new clothes, and it's just amazing and so fun watching the transition of different clothes and styles as she grows up <3 . Before she was in to Barbie & Dora, now she's in to Hannah Montana & Bratz & Smiggles! They grow up way too quickly...

Hmm.. on the TTC front. Unfortunately we didn't get the honeymoon baby we wished for, and while I'm absolutely crushed about that, I know our time will come in the not too far future..! It has to, right?

It's been another cycle since our honeymoon, and we used all the necessary steps to get there this cycle, so now it's just a matter of waiting.. waiting.. waiting to see if we've been blessed this cycle. I really hope so. I try not to get myself worked up about it all because I know that's no good for my body, but at the same time it's so hard not to. I find myself (as do other LTTTC women) procrastinating over every single little twinge and honestly, it does my bloody head in..!!

I have the most amazing support around me in terms of my awesome husband and friends, especially my bestie, but I just know people get sick of me babbling on abotu this, so I find confiding on my blog's reassuring...

I've made a decision if we're not UTD this cycle I'm going to try acupuncture & homeopathy next cycle to see if that works. Something's got to get my body in it's right order to do what it's supposed to! A girl I've been following who keeps Vlog's (like a blog, but a video one) has been TTC for 20 months and last cycle fell pregnant with the assistance of homeopathy & acupuncture! So I figure if it can work for her it can work for me! :)

Failing that I will make an appt with the fertility specialist again and go over my options there i.e. Clomid. that's the final straw, which I desperately hope we won't have to go down but worst comes to worst, that is our next step.

Hopefully I'll be back with some good news!

AF

has arrived. For those of you who don't know, AF stands for Aunt Flow, a.k.a your period.

It arrived this morning. With a vengeance. :(

I don't know if words will ever be able to describe what I'm feeling at the moment. I'm hurting. I'm gutted. I can't stop crying, and I don't know if I'll ever be OK. I'm trying to stay positive, but it hurts so much.

I can't stop thinking, and wondering why the universe did this to me - WHY!?? :(

The million dollar question we'll never know the answer to.

I've found another article I'd like to share (click on the following link to view full size). It is a newspaper article, written by a mother who lost her baby to miscarriage.

http://img84.imageshack.us/i/articlet.jpg/

Bye for now,

x

'Where No Words Are Quiet Right...'

I'd like to share this piece I found on the internet. It speaks of miscarriage, and how it is treated by members of the general public, who have not experienced it.

I hope, by sharing this, it opens the eyes up of even just one person - even if this can help one person 'see', it will all be worth it.

A Planet of Pain, Where No Words Are Quite Right
By N. WEST MOSS
Published: October 20, 2008

There are no pink ribbons to wear if you've had a miscarriage, no walkathons or T-shirts to encourage awareness and prevention. And to the extent that we have a language to talk about miscarriage, it's full of airy platitudes: Don't worry, I had one once, too, or I had two, and then, Davey was born, and he's graduating from college this week."

But until you belong to the imaginary club of Mothers Without Children, it is a secret planet of pain, all but invisible to the outside world.

I recently had my third miscarriage in a year. It happened early in the pregnancy, and it was dismissed as no big deal "chemical pregnancy" seems to be the term of art. Let's not overreact, no need for hysterics, keep moving. "We'll treat it as though you're just getting your period," as my doctor put it.

But honestly, it is not just like getting your period. Psychologically, of course, it is nothing like it, but physically it is different, too. I had cramps for hours that left my ribs feeling bruised, and then four days later I was back at work and exhausted because I was still bleeding a lot, not an alarming amount, but enough to make me schedule meetings in rooms near bathrooms, and to send me home in the afternoon for a two-hour nap. I wonder how men would cope. All of the pain, mess, furtive tidying-up, shame and soldiering-on seem so fundamentally female to me.

People act as if a miscarriage were a locatable event on a calendar, with a beginning, a middle and an end. But in fact it starts when you feel that first unmistakable twinge that something is totally wrong. It continues through the rough days of sorrow and deep cramps, and then it meanders through every single day of the rest of your whole stupid life. I will probably mourn about this miscarriage in some outwardly unremarkable way until I either have a healthy baby or die.

Talking about miscarriages is so loaded and pitiful and hushed and fraught with meaning about age and usefulness. It feels as though having three miscarriages in a year means I did something wrong, when the reality is that most miscarriages take place for chromosomal reasons out of our control.

Yet a woman who has had a miscarriage has likely asked herself why. ?God must not want me to have a kid, she might think, or, I am too old.? There are moments when you can feel that the miscarriage and the calamities of the world are your own doing and you should have somehow known better.

Maybe we don't talk about our miscarriages because we don?t want women with children looking at us with pity, or teenagers in their immortality-flushed way thinking, "That'll never happen to me." We do not want happy families to whisper, "Thank God that's not us." We don't want to wonder if men are thinking, "If they can't have kids, then why are they here, anyway??

I cannot tell you, though, what you should say to women who have had miscarriages. While it can be touching to hear other women's stories, it can also be irritating: it makes our moment of extraordinary sadness feel ordinary and unremarkable. Why would I want to hear about your miscarriage when I am lying on the floor trying to lift 500 pounds of failure, disappointment and crashing hormones off my chest?

I can tell you that I want people to know. I don't want it to be a secret or a shadow or something that is endured only alone. I want people to know that I have been through something, that I am tired but optimistic, that I've been knocked down but don?t help me up because I can get up myself.

It's fair, I think, to want witnesses for our suffering. But with the sorrow also comes hope. And after all, we are resilient creatures. A friend of mine said it well in an e-mail message after she heard my news. "I hope you don't give up," she wrote. "I want to take a picture of your child one day against the tallest sunflower."

N. West Moss is a writer in New Jersey