A lot's gone on over the past couple of months.. i've been trying to put a bandaid on it all by trying my hardest to stay positive, but TBH, it almost feels like I'm a fraud.. it feels like i'm trying my hardest to be so positive about the whole journey, but deep down i'm an absolute MESS. I don't lie, I try to be positive, but if I actually stop and think, and really delve in to my deeper mind, it's a different story. I'm falling apart... and quickly...
I feel like so much of my life is consumed with TTC (and as much as I try to 'take a break' - my mind won't let me - I sitll know every single day of every single cycle where I am, and I CAN'T relax).
As much as I want and pray for those 2 little lines on the test, I'm absolutely petrified. Even if I do get them, how am I ever going to enjoy my pregnancy in this frame of mind? I'm going to be so so scared every single day, always running to the toilet, freaking out.. I want to be in the right frame of mind to ENJOY, not be freaking out! and I just don't know how to get there..
I'm an absolute mess. I haven't considered counselling for this before,but I'm really going that way I think.
I hate myself for the way I treat my husband. This whole journey has just taken so much of my spirit away, and I don't know who I am anymore.. I don't know if I love my self anymore, therefore how can I expect him to love me? He's changed through all of this, as I've changed.
I need help.
Thursday, November 26, 2009
Monday, November 23, 2009
We're moving!
On a brighter note, we're moving this weeekend - YAYAY!!!!
I can't wait! We didn't end up getting the first house we went for, but that was no doubt a 'sign', since we then found this one, applied for it and got approved just then - I'm so excited!
It's a 5 bed (so much for downsizing, huh?) 3 bath house, + rumpus, but it's more like a house & a unit attached to each other. Since there's different front doors, separate kitchen, bathroom, laundry, the works!
So we're moving in to the house, which has 3 bed 2 bath, and my sister & her partner (that are currently staying with us till they found somewhere) are moving in to the unit next door which is 2 bed 1 bath.
It's a little bit older than what I'm used to, but it has a brand new bathroom, plus a rumpus downstairs, and it'll be next door to my sister. We've always been close, other than a stint last year where we really separated a little, but the past week it's like nothings changed.
250mtrs to the beach, literally around the corner from Anika's new school (she can start riding her bike in a year or so), closer to C's work, everything at the door step!
Full steam ahead!!
P.S. I haven't forgotten about the update on the acupuncture, I promise! I'll be back soon to update on that side of things.
I can't wait! We didn't end up getting the first house we went for, but that was no doubt a 'sign', since we then found this one, applied for it and got approved just then - I'm so excited!
It's a 5 bed (so much for downsizing, huh?) 3 bath house, + rumpus, but it's more like a house & a unit attached to each other. Since there's different front doors, separate kitchen, bathroom, laundry, the works!
So we're moving in to the house, which has 3 bed 2 bath, and my sister & her partner (that are currently staying with us till they found somewhere) are moving in to the unit next door which is 2 bed 1 bath.
It's a little bit older than what I'm used to, but it has a brand new bathroom, plus a rumpus downstairs, and it'll be next door to my sister. We've always been close, other than a stint last year where we really separated a little, but the past week it's like nothings changed.
250mtrs to the beach, literally around the corner from Anika's new school (she can start riding her bike in a year or so), closer to C's work, everything at the door step!
Full steam ahead!!
P.S. I haven't forgotten about the update on the acupuncture, I promise! I'll be back soon to update on that side of things.
Thursday, November 12, 2009
My best friends leaving! :(
My best friend came around this morning, woke me up at 6:15 to tell me the offer she’d put in at her dads pub has been accepted. Long story short, she lives up here on the sunshine coast – just her and her son. We’re super doper close, do everything together, she’s the one I go to with any problems, she helped me most through my m/c, was MOH at my recent wedding, very close.
For the past 12 months she just hasn’t been happy here. Her dad owns a pub in a small NSW town, and last week she bit the bullet and put an offer in to buy a 3rd of it last week. This means she’d sell her salon, her house, pack up, and move south to run a pub/hotel.
I know I should be absolutely over the moon for her, and I AM, but I’m just not happy. I know this isn’t all about me, and I get that… she’s got to be happy in herself, and at the moment she’s not. But I’m crushed. I’ve spent the whole morning crying, and she just sent me another text msg saying she’s just spoken to her dad & it’s all final – she moves down ASAP. Within the next month. :( I haven’t replied. I can’t. I’ve told her I’m happy for HER, but I don’t know what else to say without making her feel bad (cos I know she will!). I don’t want her to.
I’m losing my best friend! :( Not only that, but I’m loosing the [i]ONLY[/i] real friend I’ve ever had. I don’t have any other friends on the coast, and in general all together. I’ve always been the one to have no friends, and when I met L we just clicked! Now I won’t have that anymore…
I know I can visit, but it’s not the same. She’ll be a 12 hour drive away. At the moment she’s just around the corner – literally.
Crushed. :(
For the past 12 months she just hasn’t been happy here. Her dad owns a pub in a small NSW town, and last week she bit the bullet and put an offer in to buy a 3rd of it last week. This means she’d sell her salon, her house, pack up, and move south to run a pub/hotel.
I know I should be absolutely over the moon for her, and I AM, but I’m just not happy. I know this isn’t all about me, and I get that… she’s got to be happy in herself, and at the moment she’s not. But I’m crushed. I’ve spent the whole morning crying, and she just sent me another text msg saying she’s just spoken to her dad & it’s all final – she moves down ASAP. Within the next month. :( I haven’t replied. I can’t. I’ve told her I’m happy for HER, but I don’t know what else to say without making her feel bad (cos I know she will!). I don’t want her to.
I’m losing my best friend! :( Not only that, but I’m loosing the [i]ONLY[/i] real friend I’ve ever had. I don’t have any other friends on the coast, and in general all together. I’ve always been the one to have no friends, and when I met L we just clicked! Now I won’t have that anymore…
I know I can visit, but it’s not the same. She’ll be a 12 hour drive away. At the moment she’s just around the corner – literally.
Crushed. :(
Monday, November 9, 2009
Trying something new
Another cycle bites the dust, and here I am.. yet again.
It hurts. So bad. But I must go on.
I have made an appointment to try acupunture, seeing as it seems so effective for lots of people. obviously different things work for different people, but I figure it can't hurt to try!
Not really sure what else to write here... it's been so long since I've updated, a good couple of weeks (a long time in cyber world - haha) so I'm sure there's loads to say... but for now, it's failing me.
On other news, we've got Lene & Mikey staying with us now! Yep. They moved up a couple of weeks ago, and are staying with us until they get on their feet, find jobs, etc.
We're also moving in a few weeks as well, so that's quiet exciting! I can't wait to move in to a new home. So much has gone on in that home, good and bad, I just think it will be so relieving to have a fresh start! Something new.. hopefully revitalise the spirits a bit!
I'm not sure if I mentioned it last post or not, but I'm hoping to start doing Vlog's at some stage. We have a camcorder, thus an old one, but I've got to figure out and whether or not I can record, then upload to the computer. If not, I might just be stuck with Blogging until we can afford to buy a new camcorder.
Well, I have my acupunture appt this week, so will udpate after that. Hopefully, FINGERS CROSSED, we have some exciting news to share not soon after!!
:) :) :)
It hurts. So bad. But I must go on.
I have made an appointment to try acupunture, seeing as it seems so effective for lots of people. obviously different things work for different people, but I figure it can't hurt to try!
Not really sure what else to write here... it's been so long since I've updated, a good couple of weeks (a long time in cyber world - haha) so I'm sure there's loads to say... but for now, it's failing me.
On other news, we've got Lene & Mikey staying with us now! Yep. They moved up a couple of weeks ago, and are staying with us until they get on their feet, find jobs, etc.
We're also moving in a few weeks as well, so that's quiet exciting! I can't wait to move in to a new home. So much has gone on in that home, good and bad, I just think it will be so relieving to have a fresh start! Something new.. hopefully revitalise the spirits a bit!
I'm not sure if I mentioned it last post or not, but I'm hoping to start doing Vlog's at some stage. We have a camcorder, thus an old one, but I've got to figure out and whether or not I can record, then upload to the computer. If not, I might just be stuck with Blogging until we can afford to buy a new camcorder.
Well, I have my acupunture appt this week, so will udpate after that. Hopefully, FINGERS CROSSED, we have some exciting news to share not soon after!!
:) :) :)
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