'Where No Words Are Quiet Right...'

I'd like to share this piece I found on the internet. It speaks of miscarriage, and how it is treated by members of the general public, who have not experienced it.

I hope, by sharing this, it opens the eyes up of even just one person - even if this can help one person 'see', it will all be worth it.

A Planet of Pain, Where No Words Are Quite Right
By N. WEST MOSS
Published: October 20, 2008

There are no pink ribbons to wear if you've had a miscarriage, no walkathons or T-shirts to encourage awareness and prevention. And to the extent that we have a language to talk about miscarriage, it's full of airy platitudes: Don't worry, I had one once, too, or I had two, and then, Davey was born, and he's graduating from college this week."

But until you belong to the imaginary club of Mothers Without Children, it is a secret planet of pain, all but invisible to the outside world.

I recently had my third miscarriage in a year. It happened early in the pregnancy, and it was dismissed as no big deal "chemical pregnancy" seems to be the term of art. Let's not overreact, no need for hysterics, keep moving. "We'll treat it as though you're just getting your period," as my doctor put it.

But honestly, it is not just like getting your period. Psychologically, of course, it is nothing like it, but physically it is different, too. I had cramps for hours that left my ribs feeling bruised, and then four days later I was back at work and exhausted because I was still bleeding a lot, not an alarming amount, but enough to make me schedule meetings in rooms near bathrooms, and to send me home in the afternoon for a two-hour nap. I wonder how men would cope. All of the pain, mess, furtive tidying-up, shame and soldiering-on seem so fundamentally female to me.

People act as if a miscarriage were a locatable event on a calendar, with a beginning, a middle and an end. But in fact it starts when you feel that first unmistakable twinge that something is totally wrong. It continues through the rough days of sorrow and deep cramps, and then it meanders through every single day of the rest of your whole stupid life. I will probably mourn about this miscarriage in some outwardly unremarkable way until I either have a healthy baby or die.

Talking about miscarriages is so loaded and pitiful and hushed and fraught with meaning about age and usefulness. It feels as though having three miscarriages in a year means I did something wrong, when the reality is that most miscarriages take place for chromosomal reasons out of our control.

Yet a woman who has had a miscarriage has likely asked herself why. ?God must not want me to have a kid, she might think, or, I am too old.? There are moments when you can feel that the miscarriage and the calamities of the world are your own doing and you should have somehow known better.

Maybe we don't talk about our miscarriages because we don?t want women with children looking at us with pity, or teenagers in their immortality-flushed way thinking, "That'll never happen to me." We do not want happy families to whisper, "Thank God that's not us." We don't want to wonder if men are thinking, "If they can't have kids, then why are they here, anyway??

I cannot tell you, though, what you should say to women who have had miscarriages. While it can be touching to hear other women's stories, it can also be irritating: it makes our moment of extraordinary sadness feel ordinary and unremarkable. Why would I want to hear about your miscarriage when I am lying on the floor trying to lift 500 pounds of failure, disappointment and crashing hormones off my chest?

I can tell you that I want people to know. I don't want it to be a secret or a shadow or something that is endured only alone. I want people to know that I have been through something, that I am tired but optimistic, that I've been knocked down but don?t help me up because I can get up myself.

It's fair, I think, to want witnesses for our suffering. But with the sorrow also comes hope. And after all, we are resilient creatures. A friend of mine said it well in an e-mail message after she heard my news. "I hope you don't give up," she wrote. "I want to take a picture of your child one day against the tallest sunflower."

N. West Moss is a writer in New Jersey

Out

Well, seems I’m out… AF hasn’t arrived yet, but I’m fairly certain she’s coming. I woke up with crazy AF cramps this morning, and am feeling sick (sore throat, stuffy head) to top it all off..

Great. Wonderful. I feel gutted.

I sit here balling, not understanding it, not knowing why… after all my positivity, and putting it out to the universe this month that I WOULD be pregnant, why it isn’t the case??

I really thought this was it for me… so much for positive thinking paying off (a.k.a. The Secret) hey?? I’m angry. I feel let down! All over again.

WHY THE HELL IS IT SO??

I was so positive, each & every day, thinking, talking, believing... I thought it would. I put so much of my energy in to this month, emotionally, physically, spiritually, and it now feel's like one of the hugest kicks - EVER.

I don't know how much longer I can keep putting on my happy, brave face for. I just want to curl up in a ball.

I thought I was coping ok, all these months of it not happening.. & I think I was – to some extent.

But then, to get my BFP, and actually know what it all feels like, it’s almost like it’s given me a whole new sense of ‘loss’...

How do I keep going??? How am I supposed to still have any positive left after this month?? After putting it out to the universe so much, and it failing me, how am I supposed to still believe???

BIG FAT NEGATIVE :o(

I was so good... I didn't even test until 9DPO (days-past-ovulation)... I resisted the urge.. but was it worth it..? did it pay off..?

No.

BFN (Big-Fat-Negative!).

I thought perhaps I was just too early, so I made a promise to myself not to test, until Sunday morning (being today).

I thought for sure, if I just waited that extra couple of days it would pay off and it'd give my body that extra time.

I'd been so positive about the whole thing, even saying to C on Tuesday (yep, that early!) that I just 'felt' pregnant. I didn't know what it was. But I truly 'felt' pregnant.

I liked to call it intuition.

Alas, it wasn't to be.

I tested again this morning. Another BFN. AGAIN.

THIS SUX.

I'd love to be able to say I'm still feeling positive about it all, but the truth is, it's slowly dwindling.. every time I get a BFN, I walk out with less & less positivity.

It's so hard. I try to stay positive, I really do. But I guess the universe decides at the end of the day, doesn't it... and this month must not be my month.

I just WISH the universe would KNOW this IS the RIGHT TIME, and how much we crave, want, & long for a bubba of our own..!!!

We did everything... we BD'd EVERY day over a 6 day window, we used the OV Watch, pre-seed, I even lied on the side afterwards, to try to give the swimmers that chance of swimming around due to my retroverted uterus.

I really thought this was our month!

I even had the 'symptoms' for the past few days, and felt what I have thought imlpantation cramping. This feeling is different to period pain, it's a weird sorta feeling I can't explain, sorta like a 'pushy' feeling.. and a 'stabbing' feeling if I move the wrong way.

Perhaps it was just all in my head? I'm so sure it wasn't, but what could it have been if not implantation? Perhaps implantation trying to happen? I really thought it was bubs settling in for the ride.. & yesterday morning I had what I thought was even a bit of nausea & MS, with a tight throat, and spacey head..

Oh well, just goes to show, all the 'symptoms' in the world doesn't guarantee a BFP.

Lesson learnt.

Over & out.

:o( :o( :o(

Fingers crossed!!!

Please cross everything for us - I really think we may have caught the egg this cycle!!!!

As I've mentioned previously, we've been using the OV Watch this cycle, as well as the pre-seed, and BD'ing every day.. Well, it may have just paid off!! I'm really thinking this is it for us..! :) :) :)

We BD'd every day coming up to Ovulation, plus the day of, and the day after (just to be sure, hehe).

Well, I'm now officially 5DPO (days past ovulation) and I've been getting these funny, pang sorta, twingy, shot feelings in my left side all morning - I'm begging, hoping, praying that this is the start of something very... SPECIAL. :-)

What with the reading I got off Tricia, combined with a reading a fellow forum member got that turned out to be very similar to mine, and she has already got her BFP!!!, my yellow mood board (I'm associating yellow with 'good luck'), the fact we used the OV Watch + preseed, and just my all round positive feeling this month, I'm praying this is it!

Oh, and I've also got a headache at the moment. This was one of my first ever earliest signs with my last pregnancy. It could be a very early preg symptom (or the fact it's 34 degrees out!)...

Please keep everything crossed for us!!

I'm really hoping (am fairly sure, actually!) I'll be back in just a couple short days to report a picture of MY BFP!!

*note, this photo is not my own - it is one I have got off the net to inspire / keep with my positive thinking!*

hehehhehe

YAYAYAYAY!

My Channel, & O Day

Thought I'd update this week with my new Channel. & O day. Just like D-Day, but.. not.

Yep, I'm on TV. Or so to speak. On a screen, where a picture comes through. That's TV, right..?

My YouTube Channel:
http://www.youtube.com/user/LladyR

You know how we have these things, called Blogs? Well, there's another craze around - they're called Vlog's! Cool, hey. It's where you record an actual in-person recording of an entry, and upload it. So just like a Blog entry, but instead of typing, you talk.

I'm yet to actually record one yet, since I don't know how exactly to go about it, but I have been crazily watching and listening to lots of them over the past couple of days. They're really exciting!

It's great to be able to follow other peoples' journey's in a more interactive sort of way, whilst not appearing or coming across stalker-ish :P

My laptop has a webcam, so I may be able to record one with that, but if not I'll be on C's back for a camcorder. Any excuse.. hehe.

Here is a preview of my page - pink, of course:


That picture you see there is the cover of one of my favourites. Just for instance, it's a vid on a babies growth from 1 - 9 weeks. Really exciting & informative!

I just love to read up & watch all I can to learn as much as I can on TTC, babies & more!

On another note. It's O day today. Yep - that part of the month that we all hang on to, that we all can't wait for, that we all eagerly anticipate - ovulation day! Yep, it really is that exciting.. hehe.

C & I have been actively BD'ing the past few nights, and will continue to do so for at least the next 2 nights. They say your most probable chances of conception are that which are on the days leading up to ovulation, and sometimes, the day of. So I guess it's very safe, and optimistic, to say we're in for a very good chance this cycle!

We're also using the pre-seed, C is taking his menevit as he should (I have such a good boy!), I'm taking my vitamins as I should, plus using the prog cream - so fingers crossed for us!!

Will hopefully update with some AWESOME news in about 12 days - should have my BFP by then! :-D

Till then,
xoxox

Whirlwind

That's been the past few days. Wow. Full on.

But all is good now. It's all calmed down, and I'm looking very forward to commencing the BD fest in order to achieve our BFP!! :-)

I've been wearing the OV Watch every night, as required. & I must say, I'm quiet chuffed with how easy this thing is..! No more waking up at 6:30am every single morning (yep, even weekends!), having to stick a thermometer in my mouth to hear the ever annoying BEEPS then wake up enough to record my temp on a piece of paper / on the computer.

This is so much easier! Such a relief when there's so many other feelings/emotions attached to the whole TTC journey, it's nice to just have an 'easy' part :)

All I have to do is wear this watch for a minimum of 6 hours every night, whilst sleeping, and every night at midnight it ticks over to the next CD (cycle day) and tells me whether I'm fertile that day - or not. So far I've only had NF (not fertile) readings, but that's got something to do with the fact that I'm only on CD9 today.

Not long to go, and I'll see 'Fertile Day 1, 2, 3, 4, then the big O symbol - OVULATION. W00t!

Since today is CD9, we're thinking we should hit one of the Fertile Days come tomorrow - CD10 - which in theory should be 4 days before O day. Unfortunately though, I'll be on the Gold Coast for the next coming 3 days (my hens weekend - yippee!), so we'll only prob get to BD tomorrow morning before I leave, then Sunday once I get back but I'm still staying positive this will be fine! :)

I'm quiet optimistic about this cycle. I took my temp last night and it was in the 36's - that's HUGE for me! As we know, temps are required to create, and sustain a pregnancy (temps = progesterone, somewhat) and therefore should be in the required 'range'. Mine were always lucky to hit low 35's, let alone 36's!

Obviously got to do with the prog cream & new vitamins I'm taking - thanks Renee`!

Hmm.. I've got to go for my blood test on CD 21, 22, & 23 which is just to show my prog levels have risen enough, and sustained themselves. Provided they've done this, as they should, all is good.

That's what I'm holding on to. That all is good. :)

Got it!

It arrived yesterday, YAY!

The OV Watch that is. :)

AF has actually arrived this morning as well, so I'm a happy little checka.

I can't wait to start using it! Just got to wait on the sensor to arrive in the post, throw her in there, and away we go - we're on our way to Sticky Bun!!

hehe. I told Chad last night. He wasn't overly happy with the expenditure, but hey, it's for you Sticky :) I know he knows how much it means to me as well, so he got over it pretty quickly. I'm sure he'll be happy with it once we have our bubba in our arms, as a result of it. :)

That's why I love him :)

Oh oh oh! I just have have have to post this dress - it's the funkiest thing ever! Look at the little belt... aww. It's a size 0. How cute! I found it whilst browsing the forum 'Little Girl Dresses' thread, and have just fallen in love.

We all know how much I *heart* anything pink...

Here it is:

I know, I know, I know... we're going to have a boy - and boy's don't wear dresses... right?? haha.

Chad is hoping for a boy. I personally would be absolutely over the moon with either, as I know he would be too, but I know just how much he wants his own 'little man' & I would love to be the one to give it to him.. *gush*

Doesn't stop us dreaming though, right?

Would it be wrong to put him in this dress? hehe

My Psychic Reading

If you've read my other blog you'll know I requested a "reading" last week.

I'll start this by saying I am by no means an advocate for psychics, and have always been rather sketchy, or wary of them, so to speak. But, being a member of a particular forum, I have heard so many wonderful things about the famous 'Mystic Tricia', that I thought it can't hurt to give it a try...

I'm so glad I did!

So, without further adiou, I present to you my reading. hehehe.

I'm so happy with it!! As you read through it, I'm sure you'll see why :) :) :)

This has restored my faith that we will, hold our very own precious bundle of joy in our arms soon (not too far off, in Tricia's words).

:)

-----------------------------

Hi Nicole,

Ok my guide is telling me first off that there is around you a sense of a change coming up, you will find that by the middle of September you will be on the road to a new direction and this is something that you will find that is advantageous to you in the future. It is a slight change at first and then over time more little things change to bring about a really good long term for you. As I make contact with you I can see what looks like an avenue of palm trees, it must be somewhere that you walk or live.

Now in regard to you becoming pregnant I do see that this is around you in the future. There is definitely a child for you and it is showing to me as being not so far off. This is the difficulty, I am not seeing a clear time frame although the number nine is showing up with this and also a time that seems to be 17. Now this is not a clear picture I know but it is not something that is showing to me today. There is around you an initial also that is C and this is someone of the future that is significant.

Now my guide is saying to tell you that you are worrying about becoming pregnant, but you know babies come at their own time, not your time. They come at the time of the year that is best for them so that they are under the right energy. So don’t fret all will be ok for you at the right time. It is not showing to be far off at all.

Remember to always keep your reading to read in the future sometimes things become clearer as time goes by.

Blessings
Tricia

-----------------------------

There are parts in the reading that I didn't even mention, such as where she mentions something special occuring middle September (my WEDDING!), the letter C (Chad!), children coming at their own time, not mine (might have something to do with the m/c, and it not being the right time - not sure about this one?? Yet.)..

I'm going to try to read it at least once a day. That teamed with my positive affirmations I continue to tell myself, and my mood board at home, I just know everything will work out :)

Bring on September!!

Till next time,

xoxox

The Decision...

...has been made.

Following my recent letter out to the universe (found in my other blog http://afterfuzzy.blogspot.com/ ), we have decided to re-commence TTC (trying to conceive) this cycle :) Fuzzy will forever be in our minds, our hearts, and always in spirit but we've now chosen to recommence our journey to having a bubba in our arms. xx

As you may or may not have read throughout my previous posts in my other Blog - 'MY LIFE' - we have been, and do pray for a honeymoon baby.

Why the chosen name you ask (Sticky Bun)? Let me explain. (BTW, I had seen it elsewhere as well :P )

But what the hey, what better name to represent our little one - I'm sure who ever thought it up won't mind me 'borrowing it'. :)

The Sticky represents our hopes, dreams & wishes for this next bundle of joy to stick to Mummy's uterus, and come out to meet the world in it's due course :) Bun, is to represent us having a 'Bun In The Oven', and the overall term 'Sticky Bun' is a particular type of sweet - that speaks for itself :)

Hmm.. writers block. Don't you just hate that?? I had this great idea to start this new blog this morning as I had so much I wanted to say/write, but now I can't for the life of me think of any of it. Damn.

We've (well... I...) have purchased the wonderful OV Watch - I've purchased it off a fellow forum member who had great success with it so I hope for the same.

This is it here:

"OV-Watch® is worn on the woman's wrist while she sleeps. Women start wearing OV-Watch® on the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd day of their menstrual cycle and wear it through ovulation. It measures a woman's changes in her chloride ion levels that are secreted in perspiration every 30 minutes and records up to 12 readings per period. OV-Watch's patented technology detects the chloride ion surge and alerts the woman to FERTILE DAY 1, FERTILE DAY 2, FERTILE DAY 3, FERTILE DAY 4, OVULATION DAY 1, and the day after. It is the ONLY device of its kind that can give you the 4 days BEFORE ovulation. That can make all the difference when you are trying to conceive. Please see the User Reference Guide for complete instructions on "how to start your next cycle". OV-Watch® can be used for this pregnancy and subsequent pregnancies, and unlike urine based products can be shared with a friend after you are pregnant."

It's been posted to me this morning - I can't wait to receive it!! It's very expensive, but very well worth it - it will be anyway, when we have a bubba in our arms :) There's just been so many positive stories from people using it I couldn't possibly pass it up.

Not only will it take the guess work out of this whole TTC thing, it will eliviate a lot of the stress involved from worrying whether we 'BD'd (baby-danced)' on the correct days.

I'm so excited about this - I just KNOW it's going to make such a big difference! Given our honeymoon - the ultimate time for making baby ;) - is just over 7 weeks away, it's perfect timing!

To add to the above, (just some of) the measures we're also putting in to place are the following:

• Chad's taking Menevit (the male equivalent to the multivitamin 'Elevit').
• I'm taking a new herbal multivitamin called Endau Balance (a before pregnancy one)
• I'm using Endau Harmonising Cream (designed to re-balance the female hormones)
• We will be using Pre-Seed (a swimmer friendly lubricant designed to maximise chances of conception)
• PLUS charting temps & monitoring CM of course :)

So therefore, bring on our BFP (BIG - FAT - POSITIVE) !!!