What to feel?

A lot's gone on over the past couple of months.. i've been trying to put a bandaid on it all by trying my hardest to stay positive, but TBH, it almost feels like I'm a fraud.. it feels like i'm trying my hardest to be so positive about the whole journey, but deep down i'm an absolute MESS. I don't lie, I try to be positive, but if I actually stop and think, and really delve in to my deeper mind, it's a different story. I'm falling apart... and quickly...

I feel like so much of my life is consumed with TTC (and as much as I try to 'take a break' - my mind won't let me - I sitll know every single day of every single cycle where I am, and I CAN'T relax).

As much as I want and pray for those 2 little lines on the test, I'm absolutely petrified. Even if I do get them, how am I ever going to enjoy my pregnancy in this frame of mind? I'm going to be so so scared every single day, always running to the toilet, freaking out.. I want to be in the right frame of mind to ENJOY, not be freaking out! and I just don't know how to get there..

I'm an absolute mess. I haven't considered counselling for this before,but I'm really going that way I think.

I hate myself for the way I treat my husband. This whole journey has just taken so much of my spirit away, and I don't know who I am anymore.. I don't know if I love my self anymore, therefore how can I expect him to love me? He's changed through all of this, as I've changed.

I need help.